A few months ago I was hired by a client to resolve a long-standing disagreement between two of the senior executives. One person was on the verge of quitting, and the other was worn out from months of arguing.
After having introductory calls with each individual, I set up a mediation call to listen to how these leaders (who deeply cared about one another) communicated. Within minutes, each person had committed multiple communication errors and were sending the conversation spiraling into defensiveness rather than progress.
How is it that two capable teammates who want to cooperate, can struggle so much over a disagreement?
Communicating on difficult topics is one of the most important skills for professional and personal growth, and yet learning how to be a better communicator is something almost none of us are taught. Hiring managers, and asking them to lead diverse, and multi-faceted teams, without training is a bit like handing someone the wheel of a jumbo jet midair, and seeing if they can land it.
If communication is something you want to get better at, then there are two books you need to reach. Each one teaches frameworks for how to have difficult, emotionally charged conversations and is backed by decades of research that validates their approach.
Difficult Conversations is written by a team of Harvard negotiation professors, who researched and explored what is at the root off a difficult conversation. Notably, they share how to avoid causing defensiveness and explore how often, during difficult conversations, people believe that what is being discussed is “facts,” when in reality, the conversation is about emotions and personal identity.
If you are going to read one book on communication, this is the one.
Marshall Rosenberg is a renowned PhD and the founder of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Center, which has trained people in 60+ countries on meditation practices. NVC is a deliberately unique style of communication, used to defuse tense and emotionally charged conversations. The approach can feel awkward at first; however, evidence shows that NVC is one of the most effective ways to remove defensiveness in a high-stakes argument and a powerful tool to use in both professional and personal relationships.